For close friends only!!

I have a PROBLEM.

A Big Problem.

I am assuming that only people who like me and know me (and are girls) are going to read my blog so I am willing to share my problem with you. If you do not meet the above requirements then stop reading and go look at pintrest or something. This doesn't concern you.

Seriously, if you don't love me go away now please...thanks.



Ok, here it is.


I'm fat.

No, really. Like seriously overweight. Like cry myself to sleep, have only a few clothes that fit, weigh drastically more than my husband, gross, disgusting, feel worthless like I am always going to be this way- fat.
And I don't know how to fix it.

Everyday I start off saying "This day I am going to eat great!" I make a plan. I write down what I will eat for the day. I am realistic. I get that it is HARD to lose weight. But here is the thing...

I think I have a seriously unhealthy relationship with food and that is the real problem. I don't think I know when to stop eating anymore. And food is my best frenemy.
I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am depressed. I just live the day looking forward to eating.

And now I am 28 years old and a good 50lbs overweight. Yep, 50.

And don't go thinking I am exaggerating or that my "goal weight" is some super skinny size. No, I am 50lbs. OVER what would be an AVERAGE weight for me.

I have always loved food. As a teenager I loved the freedom of getting to go eat at a yummy place for lunch. I LOVE eating out. And I love treats and desserts. And I could get away with all that stuff as a teenager. I was never super skinny but I was always "athletic" looking. I had danced and cheered for years so I have good muscle on me so I think my body could always burn off what I ate. I was pretty content with my size 6 body.
But, three kids later I am stuck in a rut. I am not 18 anymore. I have had 3 children and with each pregnancy I have never lost all the weight. So now I weigh the same as I do when I am about to have a baby. And it feels insurmountable. And I feel like I can't be a mom and a good wife and lose weight. And I know some of you will be reading this and think I am just making a ton of excuses. That if I just REALLY wanted it I would be able to do it. But I think if you are thinking that you need to stop for a moment.

For me now I think it's kind of like a disease. And I am typing this and crying and thinking how pathetic I am and pretty much just trying to talk it out... If someone is an alcoholic or a hoarder or I guess has any sort of addiction most people understand that they need help to fix it. I don't know how to fix this alone. I have been trying for YEARS. And I don't expect anyone to have the answer I just needed to say this. To put it out there that I am having a hard time. And I feel like I don't know what to do. For some people genetics have dealt them a nice hand. They are able to just take it right off. Or maybe they're like my friend Tiff who had an IRON willpower. Or maybe if you have a goal or a vacation planned that is enough to motivate you. Well for me I have yet to find the thing. Nothing is ever motivating enough for me not to cave to just one bite, one taste.
Some days I see my husband look at me and I can just tell he is wondering how I got here. He NEVER says anything but I can tell. And I know my mom is absolutely horrified at the way I look. I think it's extremely embarrassing for her and that's why I am dreading going home for my brothers college graduation next month. No one really says too much directly but it's sort of the elephant in the room.
I'm the elephant in the room.
And my dad will be there and he isn't as subtle. And I feel like I am disappointing all of them.

And you'd think that that right there would be enough to motivate me. And it is... for a moment. But it will all go out the window at some point tomorrow when I am hungry and I push these feelings to the back of my mind...

I just don't know what to do next. I just want to be done thinking about it for now. But thanks for listening and hopefully not judging me too harshly. This was hard for me to say.

Thanks- Chelsea

Yep, I'm finally back...

Hello Friends,

Sorry it's been so long since I posted. Can I use the holidays as an excuse? Oh, wait. That was a few months ago. How about Jackson's birthday in March? Truth be told sometimes I feel like blogging and sometimes I don't. Which I realize is a little lame since I expect everyone else to constantly be updating... Moving on...

Life has in all honesty has been really busy lately. I have been helping a lot at Isabelle's school and I have been trying to do a better job of taking care of our house. Rod expressed to me that he really wanted me to try and keep the house up better and I have been trying to honor that. I am not quite as enthusiastic about housekeeping as some are. I have lots of friends who relish in organization and immaculate homes. I think ALL women love having everything in it's proper little place but I am still trying to find a balance. (For anyone who isn't at my house regularly it's not like it's a disaster normally or anything)

The kids are doing great and I LOVE having Thatcher and Jackson at home. They are just as I hoped brothers would be. They love to spend time with each other and play. Jackson will tolerate pretty much anything Thatch does. I feel so blessed to have such good little boys home with me all day.

At some point I am going to get my act together and figure out how to be a better time manager. I am starting to think that's what my problem is. I really don't know how some people do it though. I feel like everyone else is doing so much more than I do and they have beautiful homes, are great cooks, have cute little figures, and are righteous and kind to boot!! Someday maybe I'll figure out how to do it too. Maybe I just need to sleep less...