I have a PROBLEM.
A Big Problem.
I am assuming that only people who like me and know me (and are girls) are going to read my blog so I am willing to share my problem with you. If you do not meet the above requirements then stop reading and go look at pintrest or something. This doesn't concern you.
Seriously, if you don't love me go away now please...thanks.
Ok, here it is.
I'm fat.
No, really. Like seriously overweight. Like cry myself to sleep, have only a few clothes that fit, weigh drastically more than my husband, gross, disgusting, feel worthless like I am always going to be this way- fat.
And I don't know how to fix it.
Everyday I start off saying "This day I am going to eat great!" I make a plan. I write down what I will eat for the day. I am realistic. I get that it is HARD to lose weight. But here is the thing...
I think I have a seriously unhealthy relationship with food and that is the real problem. I don't think I know when to stop eating anymore. And food is my best frenemy.
I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am depressed. I just live the day looking forward to eating.
And now I am 28 years old and a good 50lbs overweight. Yep, 50.
And don't go thinking I am exaggerating or that my "goal weight" is some super skinny size. No, I am 50lbs. OVER what would be an AVERAGE weight for me.
I have always loved food. As a teenager I loved the freedom of getting to go eat at a yummy place for lunch. I LOVE eating out. And I love treats and desserts. And I could get away with all that stuff as a teenager. I was never super skinny but I was always "athletic" looking. I had danced and cheered for years so I have good muscle on me so I think my body could always burn off what I ate. I was pretty content with my size 6 body.
But, three kids later I am stuck in a rut. I am not 18 anymore. I have had 3 children and with each pregnancy I have never lost all the weight. So now I weigh the same as I do when I am about to have a baby. And it feels insurmountable. And I feel like I can't be a mom and a good wife and lose weight. And I know some of you will be reading this and think I am just making a ton of excuses. That if I just REALLY wanted it I would be able to do it. But I think if you are thinking that you need to stop for a moment.
For me now I think it's kind of like a disease. And I am typing this and crying and thinking how pathetic I am and pretty much just trying to talk it out... If someone is an alcoholic or a hoarder or I guess has any sort of addiction most people understand that they need help to fix it. I don't know how to fix this alone. I have been trying for YEARS. And I don't expect anyone to have the answer I just needed to say this. To put it out there that I am having a hard time. And I feel like I don't know what to do. For some people genetics have dealt them a nice hand. They are able to just take it right off. Or maybe they're like my friend Tiff who had an IRON willpower. Or maybe if you have a goal or a vacation planned that is enough to motivate you. Well for me I have yet to find the thing. Nothing is ever motivating enough for me not to cave to just one bite, one taste.
Some days I see my husband look at me and I can just tell he is wondering how I got here. He NEVER says anything but I can tell. And I know my mom is absolutely horrified at the way I look. I think it's extremely embarrassing for her and that's why I am dreading going home for my brothers college graduation next month. No one really says too much directly but it's sort of the elephant in the room.
I'm the elephant in the room.
And my dad will be there and he isn't as subtle. And I feel like I am disappointing all of them.
And you'd think that that right there would be enough to motivate me. And it is... for a moment. But it will all go out the window at some point tomorrow when I am hungry and I push these feelings to the back of my mind...
I just don't know what to do next. I just want to be done thinking about it for now. But thanks for listening and hopefully not judging me too harshly. This was hard for me to say.
Thanks- Chelsea
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Chelsea, my dear.
ReplyDelete1) You have so much more going for you, than you're giving yourself credit for.
2) I am in the same boat. My mom is not subtle, and after 7 kids, weighs less than me.
3) I love you. Heavenly Father loves you. This extra weight isn't going to come off in a week or a month. He's proud of us just for trying. It's hard. It's REALLY hard!!! I did really well today...then I sat down exhausted and ate leftover pasta and then had a bowl of cereal. 1000 Calories right there...back in my gut.
Food relationships are hard. I'm so sorry you're struggling with this! You are a beautiful, strong, and loving friend, and I see you as nothing but wonderful. :) Maybe we can report to each other or something. LOL! I need help, too. ♥♥♥
P.S. I started attending the Addiction Recovery Program meetings...didn't get far, because after 3 weeks Ryan's EQ meetings changed to Sundays, but I can totally see how working through it (get a manual, if you can't attend class $5) will help me! I need to get going on that again.
ReplyDelete(((hugs!)))
I feel your pain Chels...but I am 100 pounds overweight! I was going to suggest the addiction recovery class too. I haven't been yet, but I've been thinking about it...wanna go with me?
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain in a different way. My body is considerably more forgiving than I deserve, but that still doesn't take away the self-loathing when I eat a whole bag of oreos. I sit there wondering where my self control is. Why can't I just take care of myself? Why can't I just buckle down and exercise!!! And then the guilt prompts me to sit down and eat another bag of oreos . . .
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that we (your friends) love you regardless of your weight. And I don't know your parents, but I'm guessing that even if they aren't super kind about it, they are not as upset about it as you are. I could be wrong, but usually it's going to bother you much more than anyone else. Just like you notice it more than everyone else.
Oh, and we need to fatten Rod up, because EVERYONE looks fat next to him ;-D
All I can say is I love you and I wish I could give you a great big hug (and you know I am not a hugger so this is serious business.) I also wish I could call you, but its midnight there and I am not sure that you would appreciate that so I will tomorrow and we will have the best chat of our lives :).
ReplyDeleteYou have the most beautiful kids and even though they have brought you to this point in your life, because that's what having babies does, I believe it is your calling in to be a mom. You made the ultimate sacrife to bring them here and the Lord is eternally greatful. I know he feels your pain and wants to help you. I don't have a solution. I just had my baby and feel horrible myself yet I still havn't made it to the gym and I drive around every parking lot I go to until I get the closest spot there is so I don't have to walk far....I'm a little obsessed about it. I wish I knew how to help you. At least you don't hide in a closet and ignore the problem. You recognize it's there and admitted it to others, which is the first step to recovery. I have always admired your positive attitude and fun loving personality, despite your challanges. I hope you do recognize that you are beautiful because of that, which is what matters most. A hot body with an ugly, dark, selfish soul is not beauty. You are beautiful. And I agree with Stevie 110%, EVERYONE looks huge when standing by Rod, he needs to fatten up.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say except I love you just the way you are and you could weigh 400 lbs and still be my friend. You are an amazing person and you shouldn't let one little thing like your weight bring you down, you are beautiful inside and out. I'm terrible with words so I hope this doesn't offend you and makes sense.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I agree with Stevie and Beth about Rod, he makes everyone look fat!
I totally understand how you feel honey.Everything you said sounds so familiar......After 3 babies I was about 70 to 80 lbs over weight. And I have had the same issue with food in the past. Now not to say that you need this or it would work for you, but when I started Zoloft I dramatically made a change in my eating habits. I also determined that I wanted to look my best in my 30s. I credit the depression meds to really helping me curve the "happy food" feelings. I don't write anything down (it actually seems to discourage me more if I fail) I don't cut anything out completely either. Diets are crap :) I just eat less. And when ever we eat I never order a soda or juice (but a steal a sip from Patrick's)Make a conscious effort to ONLY drink water. Juice and soda are very high in calories and anything with an artificial sweetener like aspartame actually makes you more hungry in the end. Choose grilled chicken over fried at fast food or restaurants. Try not to bake too many yummy baked goods. Cut most cheese. I also try to look at the nutrition facts online before going out to eat. I keep my scale in the kitchen by the fridge and weigh myself at least every other day (although experts say to only so once a week. I like to see that I am still on track and it reminds me of the success I have made so far) I have lost 48 lbs since November and I would like to lose about 35 more. Just my little bit (a lot) of advise...I wish you all the luck in the world....this is never easy, but not impossible.
ReplyDeletePS. my parents have ALWAYS ragged on me about my weight too. Especially my dad. He used to grab my butt cheek if I was standing in the fridge and shake it and say "jello jiggle butt". because to a 16 year old that's a really funny joke....So I get the family disappointment feeling and the husband feeling too (although my guy is the same way, he would never say anything negative)
ReplyDelete